Gossip Weblog

Stopping just short of a long-awaited endorsement, Angelina Jolie tells Vanity Fair she’s leaning towards Democratic Senator Barack Obama for President. While I hate celebrities talking politics, Angelina is a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador who knows her shit and doesn’t trip over her 8,000 children trying to endorse Obama (via the AP):

Asked if she finds Obama and his background an example to her family, she replies, “Naturally that’s good, but it’s not a sufficient reason to vote for him.
“Obama fights for international justice, he wants to militarily intervene in cases of genocide, and close Guantanamo Bay. These are the things that could move me to vote for him, not his roots.”
She then adds, “Naturally, an American president like Barack Obama would be nice for my family.”

Hey, you know what else would be nice for your family? TURN OFF THE UTERUS. Just sayin’.

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A close family member of Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed to The National Enquirer that the pregnancy rumors are true. The denials “are simply buying the Spears family time until they decide what to do.” (Read: Secret Mexican abortion.) The family member also revealed how the news is affecting the family:On Lynne’s reaction:“Jamie Lynn’s mom is furious about the pregnancy. And she’s livid the news leaked out, especially during her book tour. Lynne and Jamie Lynn have been arguing nonstop by phone.”On Jamie Lynn’s choice:“Jamie Lynn is being pressured by people very close to her to abort. But no decision has been made yet. Casey is furious. Jamie Lynn hadn’t told him about the pregnancy. He learned about it in the media and then confronted her and she told him it was true.”On the inevitable Spears’ family maneuver:“If Jamie Lynn has this baby, you can be sure they will try to sell the official confirmation of the pregnancy to a magazine, as well as the baby photos.”I really wasn’t sure myself if the rumors were true until I saw these pictures of Jamie Lynn wearing a “Yoga Makes Me Flexible” T-shirt to Wal-Mart yesterday. At that point, an ultrasound seems kind of redundant, doesn’t it?

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Wait. Did I miss the “Third Annual Try to Look Manlier than Brooke Hogan in a Bikini Contest?” Goddammit.

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Apparently, if you want Keira Knightley to take off her clothes and smear herself with apple jelly you have to give her a good reason. (I know, show-biz people—touchy, right?) The Duchess actress took time out from looking hot to reveal her philosophy about nude scenes to Glamour:

GLAMOUR: What about nudity? Are you comfortable doing it in a film?KK: Pretty comfortable. I certainly wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t…. I detest unnecessary nudity and what it says about women in society.GLAMOUR: What do you think it says?KK: I think you see a lot of films where, Oh, yes, the woman gets her tits out again and runs around naked for no reason. And you kind of go, Ugh, do we have to?

Keira probably doesn’t have to worry about pulling her tits out for no reason, since she’s built like a 12-year-old boy and doesn’t have any tits. But she’s right that she shouldn’t strip down unless it’s essential to the plot. Hopefully she’ll warm up to the project currently in development in my head, Keira Knightley Runs Out of Clean Clothes So She Has to Do Her Laundry Naked and the Washing Machine Overflows So She Gets All Wet and Covered in Soap Suds. She should like it, since it’s a period piece, set in a time when she runs out of clean clothes, so she has to do her laundry naked and the washing machine overflows so she gets all wet and covered in soap suds.

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Salma Hayek filmed scenes in Brooklyn yesterday for her upcoming cameo on 30 Rock. Judging by these photos, they’re going to need to debut the episode in fucking IMAX. Even then people will walk out saying “Needs more screen.” Except me; I’ll be using suction cups to begin my ascent of Mt. St. Boobies until the fire department hoses me down. I’m a film lover.

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Britney Spears debuted her new video for “Womanizer” today and the song definitely benefited from visuals. And, Jesus, the visuals. Here’s what to except from this thing conveniently lodged after the jump:1. Naked Britney. And I didn’t cry!2. Lingerie Britney cooking eggs. Her real specialty: Flaming bowl of Lucky Charms.3. Britney photocopying her ass then punching said photocopy. I didn’t know this was autobiographical…4. More Naked Britney. Again, no crying.5. Cocktail Waitress Lap-dancing Britney. I think this video has exceeded its head-whipping threshold.6. Britney driving a car with her foot while having sex in the backseat. This explains all those accidents.7. Showering Britney. I’m gonna need a minute.8. Crazy Vengeful Lingerie Britney. Yeah, make the bed over him. Guys hate that!9. Naked Britney. Oh, I get it. She’s the narrator. Ha! Gonna need another minute…10. Words. In a Britney Spears’ video? I guess - if you wanna be “artsy.”Is Britney Spears back? Frankly, it felt like she never left. No, seriously, she can’t be killed!

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Dancing With the Stars‘ Cheryl Burke has been getting a little porky lately, so she’s doing what any responsible professional dancer would do: She’s crying to the media about how everyone should be okay with it. According to People magazine:

When bloggers called out Cheryl Burke for putting on a few pounds, the Dancing with the Stars pro fought back. But what upset her most, she says, is the unhealthy body image issues promoted by such stories.“I want kids or women out there to realize you don’t have to be anorexic to be beautiful,” the two-time Dancing champ tells PEOPLE exclusively. “There’s a lot of pressure living this Hollywood life. People expect to see you at a certain weight and when you gain a few pounds then all of a sudden it’s the talk of the week.”

Whatever, fatty. If you weren’t packing on pounds yourself, you’d be pushing your nose up with your thumb and making “oink, oink” noises at every chick who doesn’t blow away in a stiff breeze. You’re getting paid to stay in shape, so put down the damn donut and hit the treadmill. Unless you want your next TV gig to be on the evening news. In a breaking report about the woman who had to be airlifted to the hospital to have a turkey drumstick surgically removed from the folds in her gut.

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Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt,I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial.After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades.However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:1. Heidi wears a bikini.2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant.Sincerely,The Superficial Writer.P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT.EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.

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