Tara Reid got drunk last night in London and flashed her venomous nether regions while getting out of a car. Tara Reid was allegedly sober once. It was during the first few minutes of her birth. Though I hear five bottles of whiskey fell out of her mom’s uterus when they cut the umbilical cord. Years later a pony keg was also found in her fallopian tube. Sadly, it was kicked.
Add comment January 24th, 2008
Jack Nicholson walked out of the Wolseley Restaurant in London last night when paparazzi informed him of the death of Heath Ledger. They incorrectly told him it was a drug overdose which prompted Jack to say “That’s awful. I warned him.” Then somebody shoved a Joker photo in his face for him to sign. Who could pull off such incredible levels of douche-ness? I mean besides Ashton Kutcher, Criss Angel (Were necklaces found at the scene?), Carson Daly, Adnan Ghalib, Andy Dick, my ex-girlfriend (She thought Clooney was a good Batman. How could we stay together after that?), Sam Lufti, Dick Cheney, Ryan Seacrest, the real Joker (I know you’re out there!), Billy Bush from Access Hollywood, Jimmy Fallon…. Anyone I’m leaving out?
Add comment January 24th, 2008
Police found a rolled up $20 bill with “narcotic residue” on it in the apartment where Heath Ledger was found dead yesterday, according to CBS News:
Sources add they also found several drug packets containing an unknown substance. CBS 2 has learned these items were all listed on the official police report from the scene.
To be clear, it’s still unknown whether these items belonged to Ledger or whether he even actually ingested them.
The drugs could turn out not to be Heath Ledger’s. From what I hear they’re probably his. No one will know for 10 days until a more thorough autopsy is complete. But it gives eerie resonance to Jack Nicholson’s cryptic remark last night of “I warned him.”UPDATE: The NYPD is saying there was no visible residue on the rolled-up $20 bill, according to the AP.
Add comment January 24th, 2008
Britney Spears’ lawyers scheduled an emergency hearing today to allow Britney to have therapeutic visitation with her children. Britney initially showed up at the courthouse then bolted before the hearing began. This probably didn’t help her case because, in a quick decision, her request was denied. TMZ reports:
Sources told TMZ Brit wanted visitation restored in a “therapeutic setting” — meaning under the treatment of medical professionals — but that wasn’t gonna happen, especially since she never showed to make a plea. The Court noted Brit’s absence.
On a related note Mark Vincent Kaplan made the following remarks to People about Britney’s deposition:
We are going over things that are very, very gut-wrenching. Just to revisit them even in your own mind would not be pleasurable. It’s not something anyone would enjoy,” he says.”
I’ll assume, no doubt accurately, that Britney’s deposition consisted of her repeating over and over again the catchphrase for Fig Newtons in her new English accent: “It’s not a cookie, mother. It’s fruit and cake.” I actually can’t stop saying it right now. It’s not a cookie, mother. Sweet Moses! Excuse me while I pay a homeless man to kick me in the eye with his hobo boot. If my next post seems to heavily involve tin cans, the bastard stole my keys and left me for dead. Call the police. I don’t want him to eating the last Toaster Strudel. I’ve got ten icing packets stored in my pillowcase; I cannot stress how important that is.**Very.
Add comment January 24th, 2008
The video of Amy Winehouse smoking crack that The Sun released on Monday may lead to legal troubles for the singer. Apparently the video was filmed right before Amy attended the hearing for her husband Blake on Friday. The AP reports:
Police will look at the video before deciding whether any charges should be brought against Winehouse, a Metropolitan Police spokesman said while speaking on condition of anonymity in line with force policy.
I wonder if they’ll find anything illegal on the tape like, oh, I dunno, Amy Winehouse smoking crack! Then she suggests her cat should pack up and leave. I mean, that has to be illegal. Cats can’t drive. Except for mine. He’s pretty good at it. I leave him in the car while I get hammered at the local tavern because I’m a hero. Then Fluffy drives me home or at least attempts to. He mostly just meows at the steering wheel while I lie on the floor and work the gas with my face. But it’s cool; I make him wear a seatbelt.NOTE: For those of you curious about Amy’s appearance, these photos were taken last night. She changed her hair color over the weekend. Apparently blonde hair is too crazy for Amy Winehouse.
Add comment January 24th, 2008
Demi Moore posed for the cover of V Magazine’s Spring Preview 2008. I’m confused by these covers. And not just by the photoshopping. I thought this magazine was about people with vagina’s. Maybe the editors confused Demi with Ashton Kutcher. It happens. He definitely has a V. In fact, I hear it’s a W. I don’t really know what that means, but I bet explains why Bruce Willis stops over a lot.
Add comment January 24th, 2008
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