Archive for February, 2008
If I collapse in the middle of this post, it’s because I’m so chock full of nerd rage I’m ready to start opening action figures thus lowering their collectible value. I’m seriously that pissed. It’s kind of scary. Apparently Moby dated Natalie Portman a while back making him the target of my fellow geek’s hatred. Page Six reports:
“I guess in some people’s eyes, [nerds] might be mildly sexy – and, as a nerd, I’m certainly happy to enjoy some of the effects of that. But as far as the very brief affair that I had with Natalie, it’s made me a target of a lot of nerd wrath,” the techno-whiz tells next month’s Spin. “You don’t date Luke Skywalker’s mom and not have them hate your guts.”
First off, the prequels suck, so die and burn in hell for mentioning them. Second, I get chicks way hotter than Natalie Portman all the time. Okay, maybe not as hot – and they’re missing a couple limbs. But those ladies are dynamite in the sack. Or so they tell me before stealing my wallet. So, yeah, Moby, in your face!
Photo: Getty Images
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February 24th, 2008
Officers arrested Aaron Carter, Backstreet Boy’s Nick Carter’s little brother and Lindsay Lohan’s ex, last night in Texas for speeding and possession of marijuana. The former annoying child music star was forced to spend the night in jail and, God willing, was corn-holed. Star reports:
“After he was stopped, his car was searched and some marijuana – less than two ounces – was found in the vehicle,” Kimble County Sheriff Michael Chapman told Star. “Mr. Carter was placed under arrest and charged with misdemeanor possession of marijuana and speeding. His car was impounded.”
I had no idea Aaron Carter was still alive. What is he even doing with himself? He can’t legitimately pass himself off anymore as the funky fresh 13-year-old who just wants to hold your hand. But, judging by his appearance, Aaron seems to have found his true calling in life: being that stoner guy who wants to get you high and hopefully touch a boob – or get a pizza. Whatever. Either way, he’s telling his friends at the drum circle you did it in a kayak.
Photos: Getty Images
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February 24th, 2008
Amy Winehouse has been staying in the ritzy Riverbank Plaza Hotel in London since exiting rehab. She’s repeatedly barred housekeeping from entering the room, but management finally went in while Amy was performing at the Brits Awards and found over $6,000 in damages, according to The Sun:
Booze was spilled all over the wooden hallway and cigarette butts, countless bottles of champagne and unwashed knickers were all over the floor. The blackened bath had to be scrubbed and unclogged after she dyed and washed her famous beehive in the tub. She had even taken a large mirror off the wall and placed it on the floor. Staff were baffled why. I’m not.
If “unwashed knickers” isn’t gross enough for you, the article also reveals how Amy’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil is scoring his drugs which led to an OD this week:
The singer was in tears as she spoke to Blake through a pane of glass, in a room separate from other prisoners. Their marriage has been under strain since we revealed Blake has been trading signed photos of her for heroin.
Okay, wow, I understand these guys are in prison and don’t get to see women very often, but Amy Winehouse? Barforama. I mean, I’d rather look at my roommate Hair-lip Bill the bearded arson. And I wouldn’t trade sweet, precious prison heroin for Amy Winehouse pics. Hell no. Maybe some feathers from my pillow. But only the ones that keep sticking out and poking me in the ear. Even then, I dunno. We’re talking feathers here. I don’t want to overpay.
Photos: Bauer-Griffin
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February 23rd, 2008
Katie Price showed up for another book signing yesterday for “Jordan: Pushed to the Limit.” Maybe it’s me, but Katie just seemed to be going through the motions. Yeah, she brought her surgically-reduced but still mammoth chest, but unlike her Valentine’s Day signing there were no gratuitous nipple slips. Way to go, Katie. Now what do I tell the children? I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure nipples are an essential part of promoting literacy. I mean, I read all kinds of stuff thanks to the strip club. Mostly the word “Hate” on the bouncer’s knuckle when they realize I’m tipping the girls with scratched-off lottery tickets, but you get the picture: It’s all about the kids.
Photos: Splash News
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February 23rd, 2008
Will Ferrell got to take part in a photo shoot for Sports Illustrated with a bikini-clad Heidi Klum. I guess it’s a promotional thing for his new movie Semi-Pro, I dunno, but that’s not important right now. What is important is Heidi Klum in a bikini. Now that’s smart marketing. You could sell me Sparkling AIDS in a can and I’d drink it if Heidi Klum in a bikini told me to. Hell, I’ll drink some right now. Just for you, Heidi. Granted, Sparkling AIDS isn’t invented yet, but I’ve got some Fresca. So close enough. *sips* Oh, God, my immune system. I love you, Heidi! *sips* Yup, my pancreas just burst. Man down!
Photos: Sports Illustrated
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February 22nd, 2008
Jennifer Lopez gave birth to a J-Boy and J-Girl early this J-Morning. Okay, this is getting J-tarded. Anyway, mom and kids are healthy and People has the exclusive details instead of me – again. Jerks:
The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs.
“Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” Lopez’s manager Simon Fields tells PEOPLE exclusively.
While I didn’t have the exclusive birth details, I do have this statement issued by Marc Anthony’s sworn enemy He-Man:”I’d like to extend a heartfelt congratulations to Skeletor from all of us here at Castle Greyskull. Enjoy this magical time with your precious miracles. I look forward to battling over the fate of Eternia in the near future. I also anxiously await a newly-inspired J-Lo’s return to the studio. I’m a huge fan. If that surprises you, c’mon, I wear nothing but fur underwear and boots. You do the math. He he! Tootles!”He-Man then issued an additional statement:”Just to be clear I like to party with dudes. Call me, sillies! Ciao!”He was last seen riding off with Battle-Cat to get Mango Smoothies. No whipped cream because “that’s for fatties.”
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February 22nd, 2008
The above picture is a simulation of how Britney Spears will look at age 36. It was done by the folks at www.ageprogession.org who factored in Britney’s current fast food diet, drug and alcohol use and apparently receding hair line. They also produced a shot of Britney at 46 who I guess, in the midst of a mid-life crisis, decide being blonde is sexier. These pictures are pretty amazing considering I always pictured Britney buried in a coffin by 30. Thanks to science I now know she’ll lead a rich, full life surrounded by cats and old copies of Reader’s Digest. Outstanding.
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February 22nd, 2008
Christina Ricci attended the premiere of her new movie Penelope last night in LA. What I admire most about Christina Ricci is how she balances her acting career with her sacred duties to bake fresh batches of E.L. Fudge’s every night in a tree. I tried to find that tree once but gave up after a bear ate my Indian guide’s arm. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have sprayed the chief with honey then kicked a sleeping bear in the stomach. Live and learn, I guess.NOTE: I like how Reese Witherspoon showed up to the premiere looking like your mom. Before the show, she probably turned to her stylist and said “Make me look 40 – but with menopause!” Mission accomplished.
Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News
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February 21st, 2008
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