Archive for March, 2008
Does anyone remember Erika Eleniak? The smoking hot babe from Baywatch, Under Seige and, more importantly, Playboy. Basically she’s a national treasure. The paps caught some shots of her filming a movie that I can’t find a reference to anywhere. This might be an Ashton Kutcher prank, but who cares? He dug up Erika Eleniak and tossed her in a swimsuit. It’s the archaeological find of the century. I mean, she’s pushing 40 and looks banging. I’d throw 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan under a bus to get at Erika. Of course, there’s lots of things I’d throw Lindsay under a bus for – like a Klondike bar. Or a shiny penny.
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March 19th, 2008
Maybe my brain is permanently damaged from the Amy Winehouse post or I’m still drunk from lunch yesterday, but these pics of Tara Reid in Mexico are surprisingly not bad. I see she received the sheet I mailed her to cover up those trouble spots. Read: her ass and stomach. I also sent Tara a paper bag to cover her face but I don’t see it. She probably tried to fill it with booze only to realize, like so many of us have, that grocery bags make shitty cups. For the record, I’m not making a joke about Tara Reid’s debilitating drinking problem. I’m making a joke about Tara Reid being a colossal idiot – who loves Big Gulps full of gin.
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March 19th, 2008
Surprise! Ashley Alexandra Dupre already flashed her boobs for Girls Gone Wild back in 2003. A prostitute got naked for Joe Franics? What are the odds? The AP reports:
“It’ll save me a million bucks,” Francis told The Associated Press on Tuesday. “It’s kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch.”
He said his employees got to work on pulling the footage and planned to offer it on the Web site by Tuesday evening, with a free sampling on the front page and the rest available with a $29.95 monthly subscription.
Uh oh, no million bucks for Ashley. Let this be a lesson, ladies. Girls Gone Wild might seem like a good idea (Note: it’s the best idea.), but it could come back to bite you in the ass. You know, after you inevitably become a prostitute and have sex with middle-aged men who turn out to be elected officials. Then you can’t cash in because Joe Francis owns the right to your ta-ta’s. That’s just poor business planning. In between tricks, get yourself down to the community college and sit in on some classes. You might learn something and, please, there’s no need to thank me. Like Jesus I’m just here to help others – and maybe score a freebie.
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March 18th, 2008
Heather Mills apparently dumped water over the head of Paul McCartney’s divorce lawyer yesterday during the court hearing that awarded Heather a ridiculous $48.6 million. Heather was adament about not having the full judgment published which it was and you can view right here! God bless you, Internet. The Daily Mirror reports:
“She’s worried about how the full judgment will make her look if it’s published – and she doesn’t want to go there.
“Her conduct during the divorce is being questioned. She was so angry she tipped a glass of water over Fiona Shackleton’s head leaving her with soaking wet hair.
“Everyone was stunned. That kind of behaviour is just not acceptable.”
Wow, so not only did Heather Mills get paid a shitload of cash for having sex with Paul McCartney. She became violent when she wasn’t getting paid on her terms. Hmm, I believe there’s a word for that also*. What is it again? It’s right on the tip of my tongue. Ah, yes: Superhero.*For those of you who caught the gag yesterday, link goes right to Ashley Alexandra Dupre. Read: Heather Mills is a prostitute. And for $48.6 million her vagina better be lined with gold and have its own water park.
Photo: Getty Images
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March 18th, 2008
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! Be safe out there and try not to drink too much because I need you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to give me site traffic in the morning. See? I care. Now to continue celebrating this momentous day. I already started this morning by pouring Guinness on me Lucky Charms. And also me cereal. Hi-yo! Drink responsibly, folks, and remember, stealing a cop’s horse is technically not a form of designated driving. No matter how many carrots you feed it at the strip club which, seriously, I still don’t get.NOTE:: The above photo is Pete Doherty. To anyone who thinks it’s actually me, wow, I’ve never been so insulted in my life. Even that one time I made love to a woman and she laughed afterwards then called me Two Seconds McTinyBalls III.
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March 18th, 2008
Scary Spice (a.k.a. Melanie Brown) continued her Miami vacation by jet-skiing with her husband Stephen Belafonte. She definitely looks better in these pics than earlier ones but has some questionable features. That being said, after perusing your comments I’m afraid I have to address a very controversial topic. I never thought in 2008 I’d have to discuss such issues, but I need to make the most serious and professional statement of my life:
The Superficial Writer’s wang is an equal-opportunity lover of the va-jay-jay. Whether it be black, brown, white, Chinese, Danish, bran muffin or a LEGO castle covered in Pam cooking spray, odds are my weiner will hit that. Discrimination is for assholes. Oh, right, and also Mel “Sugartits” Gibson. Ha ha, that guy hates stuff.
Now that that’s out of the way, good Lord, what happened to this woman’s face? Did she jet-ski into a coral reef?
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March 17th, 2008
Britney Spears and Mel Gibson had dinner together Saturday evening. And yet, somehow, during this meeting of the minds cancer wasn’t cured. Stunning. TMZ reports:
The two were at Romanov Restaurant and Lounge in L.A. last night and according to one report they broke bread together. Our sources say Gibson, his wife Robin and their kids reached out to Britney during her darkest days and began seeing her.
We’re told Mel and Robin feel like they know how tough it is to live in a fishbowl and they think they can help the Britster. There have been private dinners in which Mel, Robin and their brood have hooked up with Brit to give her support.
Oh, what I would’ve given to have been a fly on that wall. Mostly to hear Mel tell Britney the Holocaust isn’t real to which she responds by eating a coaster. She would’ve known it was glass had she not covered it in ranch dressing from the bottle in her purse. That’s our Britney! Wa wa diddle dee doo!
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March 17th, 2008
Scarlett Johansson’s eBay auction ended on Wednesday and some guy from the United Kingdom paid $40,100 for an evening with the actress. Here’s a run down of what he’s in store for from the auction page:
The winning bidder will receive:
* Two tickets to the world premiere of He’s Just Not That Into You. The premiere location has not yet been determined but will be in either Los Angeles or New York this July.
* Chauffeured car service to the premiere
* Hair and makeup for one by Privé
* A meet and greet with Scarlett Johansson at the premiere
Now here’s what Scarlett Johansson’s in store for: Using some investigative journalism (Watch and learn, Dateline), I scoped out the winning bidder “bossnour’s” recent purchases. Since the beginning of 2008, this rich clown has bought three hair straighteners, no less than five pairs of Pumas, two tweed blazers, a metallic bomber jacket, a book on medicine ball exercises, a Corvette headlight and two distressed trucker hats. He also had one mysterious purchase that is listed as private. I’ll assume it’s a steel drum full of rohypnol. So, ScarJo is either in for the most awkward night of her life in the backseat glove compartment of a Corvette, or she’s going on a date with Ashton Kutcher. Whichever it is, may God have mercy on her soul.
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March 17th, 2008
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