Archive for June, 2008
Continuing International Soccer Stars and their Bikini-clad Ladies Week on The Superficial, I’m posting pics of Nereida Gallardo who’s vacationing in Sardinia with boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo. These shots are from today, but I also added some from yesterday because, well, BIKINI. I bet you guys read this site while stroking your chins and thinking “Clearly, this man is a master wordsmith.” To which I say, please, I’m just a simple writer – with golden hands given to me by Zeus himself. Accurate anecdote.**AKA True story.
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June 28th, 2008
Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and it looks like her stay did some good. For once she doesn’t look like warmed over shit in make-up. I’m not saying I’d want to “hit that,” but if it were suggested, I wouldn’t completely try to bludgeon my own penis. And speaking of male genitalia, scope out this excerpt from the latest Rolling Stone. Writer Claire Hoffman sat outside Amy Winehouse’s apartment and found herself invited in by Beehive Typhoid Mary:
“I’m on a strict put-weight-on diet. I love food. I’m just stressed out.” She returns from the kitchen with an oozing white-bread-and-banana sandwich, on which she sprinkles potato chips. She hands Nicole her laptop, which is caked in fingerprints and smudges, and asks her to show me the photographs of Winehouse and her husband making out, the two of them mugging for the camera like Mickey and Mallory, passing pills to each other with their tongues. Winehouse gets up for more food. Nicole continues the slide show, and suddenly the screen flashes Winehouse’s blurry face, taken from above with a phone in one hand and a gigantic penis in her mouth.
Wow. There’s a mental image for the ages. And, now, to answer your burning question “Why? Why would you do that!?”, the immortal words of Van Morrison:Have I told you lately that I love youHave I told you there’s no one else above youFill my heart with gladnesstake away all my sadnessease my troubles that’s what you doBest readers ever. That’s you guys. Stay in school.
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June 27th, 2008
Brooke Hogan recently posed for Maxim.com and obviously, there’s been some airbrushing done here. It’s cool, that’s how they roll. But, I’m curious, why not airbrush the chin? I mean, if we’re creating a fantasy where a randy Brooke is stranded on an island, let’s ditch the man-chin and create a believable premise where she’s worthy of rescue/sex in a palm tree. Otherwise, I don’t see myself fashioning a raft for an awkward few minutes night of, “Please don’t look directly at me.”
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June 27th, 2008
Newlyweds Colleen McLoughlin and English soccer star Wayne Rooney jetted off to Vegas for their honeymoon this week. It seems like they’re having a good time swimming, drinking and, wait, reading “The Secret” WTF? First off, these people are loaded. Everyone knows that’s a book for housewives stupid enough to believe you can will yourself wealthy, thin and/or relevant. Second, who reads on their honeymoon? Does the sex really stop that quickly? My God, you ladies are diabolical. How do you get away with it? Hold on, our secretary just showed me some cleavage, so now I’m doing her job for the rest of the day. What was I saying?
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June 27th, 2008
Madonna has reportedly met with high-powered London divorce attorney Fiona Shackleton who recently represented Paul McCartney and was able to protect most of his assets from Heather Mills. In fact, Fiona was so effective she had water dumped over head in the courtroom by Paul’s ex. However, this doesn’t look to be a long drawn out legal battle since there is so much money at stake. Typically, these matters are resolved quickly. The Times of London reports:
James Stewart, a family partner with the leading London firm Manches, said: “These big money divorces are either terribly straightforward, because there is enough money to give those involved a fair share — more so than where there is not much money —or they go to court, because one side is either mean or greedy.
“But this is subject to departure, depending on factors such as the length of a marriage, how the matrimonial assets were created; the special or stellar contribution that either one of the couple, such as Madonna, may have made before the marriage.”
If given a choice between seeing Madonna’s face and arms again in court, Guy Ritchie will most likely settle for a small lump sum of change. And, if his lawyers are good enough, the secret amulet that returns Madonna to her grave. You know, in case she seeks revenge or wants to renegotiate the condo.
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June 26th, 2008
Lisa Rinna (Days of our LIves) hit the beach in Malibu with her family. At 44 she’s not looking too shabby, except Lisa should probably lay off the collagen. I’m pretty sure I could land a small squadron of planes on those babies. And I’d do it too because I practice the art of seduction, ladies. Now, fasten your seat belts as you may experience some turbulence – or a really short flight. I mean, I respect your feelings.
Photos: Flynet
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June 26th, 2008
DeAnna Pappas is this season’s The Bachelorette and seeing her in a bikini almost makes me consider putting on a tux and competing for her hand in marriage. I mean, what do those other guys have besides looks, money and non-misogynistic world views? That’s for suckers. I’m willing to commit myself to one vagina in defiance of logic and nature for 40+ secretly unhappy, but it’s pretty much written on our faces especially after that time I got the clap from a stripper, years. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m an old romantic.
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June 25th, 2008
Steven Tyler (seen here with girlfriend Erin “Just want you to know I have breasts” Brady) reportedly stopped into a SoHo Starbucks yesterday and almost caused a sister of the church to strip off her habit, according to Page Six:
A witness reports a nun went “crazy” upon realizing that the man next to her in line was the Aerosmith frontman. According to our spy, the nun started jumping up and down and yelling to Tyler “Have a good day” and, “I can’t believe that you are in my Starbucks.”
I had no idea Jesus’ brides were allowed to listen to Devil music and also drink non-blessed coffee. I’m sure they stir it with a crucifix, but what’s next? Blogging? Sorry, but I’m not competing with Sister Big’uns Holy Cathedral of Boobies.com. Especially considering that was my original name for this site. The Superficial? What was I smoking…
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June 25th, 2008
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