Archive for June, 2008
Katherine Heigl was spotted at her home yesterday getting ready to relax in her pool. Apparently she’s not done wearing a bikini, and God bless her, may just wear one all summer. In the meantime, why is she hiding in fear in her own house from the paparazzi? I don’t know about you, but if the paps were in my abode trying to snap a pic I’d come at them with something they’d never suspect: the whole fruit basket. I mean, these guys obviously braved the landmines, moat and T-Rex* to get a shot of your’s truly, so they deserve a glimpse of something awesome and possibly diamond-crusted. Wink.*I have many valuables. (Read: Comic books and Swedish fish.)
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June 25th, 2008
Rod Stewart and his wife English model Penny Lancaster were sailing in the Mediterranean over the weekend and apparently it was time for Rod’s feeding. While I assumed that would require the blood of peasant children, it was way, way weirder than that. Turns out Rod Stewart is breastfed by his wife. I’ll pause for a moment while you fuck the what. I guess growing old does come with some advantages – provided you’re a world-famous millionaire singer with a yacht. Otherwise, this experience doesn’t really translate well for us regular folks. Right, Grandpa? Hey, where’d you get a grenade?NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that you can click on at your own risk – unless you hate having erections. Then by all means…Thanks to Karen for making me suspicious of nursing homes. Or should I say – dens of iniquity? I blame the bread pudding.
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June 24th, 2008
Remember when Heath Ledger died and his family said, “Oh yeah, don’t worry. We’ll take care of his kid.”? Bullish shit. Turns out Michelle Williams hasn’t seen a dime for daughter Matilda and is well aware that Heath’s dad Kim botched the handling of his own father’s estate. As an act of protest, she will not attend the premiere of The Dark Knight, according to Page Six:
An insider said, “Michelle is furious with Heath’s family and threatening to boycott the premiere. Matilda is supposed to be the beneficiary of the will, but Michelle has seen nothing from them. Heath didn’t have much in cash, but there was a big house in LA and a back-end deal for ‘Dark Knight’ [that] could reap millions.”
Great. Only movie I’m looking forward to all summer and these Jokers (Jesus of comedy, people. That’s me.) have to use it to publicize their money problems. Unless this is some sort of crazy viral marketing. Of course! I bet if I click on Michelle Williams eye I’ll see a sweet clip of Batman punching someone. Excuse me – Taxi! New York City! But first let’s stop at Staples. I need a wireless mouse that says “Jam me in the cornea of one of those Dawson kids” but also “smooth ergonomic design.”
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June 24th, 2008
Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr and boyfriend Orlando Bloom hit up Gran Canaria, Spain for some topless action. I love how she’s using a book to cover her fun parts. When I’m nude it requires the whole Encyclopedia Brittanica to cover my business. You know, once it loaded onto an iPod. I should really turn the AC down in my apartment. Yeah, that’s gotta be it…NOTE: Pics link to uncensored NSFW versions which include a Miranda Kerr nipple and, for the ladies/Geekologist, an entire Orlando Bloom buttocks. Who loves ya?
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June 24th, 2008
If you’ve ever watched ABC’s Dancing with the Stars, then you’ll recognize professional ballroom dancer Cheryl Burke enjoying the beach in Hawaii. If you’re like me and do more productive things like drink whiskey and build LEGOs, you have no idea who the hell she is. However, Cheryl passes the ever critical test of being on this site: A.) she’s quasi-famous. and most importantly B.) she’s in a bikini. Tom Brokaw once asked me how I’ve adhered to such high standards for so long. I just looked him deep in the eyes and said “No, Tom, you’re not getting a job here.” Then he suckered punched me in the pancreas. Non-fiction tale.NOTE: Last pic is LSFW depending on your work’s areola policy. Here, we allow it. But only in the context of breast-feeding or stirring my coffee. Because, at The Superficial, it’s people who matter most.
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June 23rd, 2008
Sad news this morning. It’s been reported that legendary comedian and cantankerous badass George Carlin passed away yesterday at the age of 71, according to People:
The stand-up comic and author – best known for his groundbreaking routine “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” – reportedly died of heart failure at Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Monica. (Carlin, who was open about his long struggle with drugs and alcohol, had a history of heart problems, including a previous heart attack.)
George Carlin was always awesome to me because he had a hilarious way of seeing through the everyday bullshit. The world just got a whole lot less funny and a little less brutally honest. Rest in Peace, George. You’ll be missed.
Photo: Bauer-Griffin
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June 23rd, 2008
What’re you seeing above is a deliberate attempt by Paris Hilton to gain attention by wearing maternity clothes. But since I drink 12 cups of awesome for breakfast, I’m going a different route: Paris Hilton is getting fat. Sources say she’s moved from Coke Zero to Diet Coke and is eating whole sandwiches instead of her usual diet of heroin with a twig of celery. And, let me tell you, it’s really starting to show in those thighs, folks.I’ll take that medal whenever it’s ready.
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June 23rd, 2008
The Graziano family has released video footage of John Graziano’s daily rehabilitation in the hospital. We’ve all known he’s been in a coma and has a hole in a head, but no one mentioned how freaking huge the hole is. The footage appeared on Nancy Grace midweek with the hole pixelated and, well, uh, I just saw the unpixelated version. It’s goddamn insane and really puts Hulk Hogan’s “God wants John in a coma to make him a better person” comment in a whole other light. A bright, bleached, asinine “Wow, what a dick” light. No wonder the Hulk got death threats from John’s brother. In fact, I’m about to give him a death threat:
Terry… you cocksucka… I will pee in your moustache… all your money won’t help you now… unless you buy a moustache shield… um… sucker of cocks, Luke, I’m your father.
Go easy on me. It’s my first time.WARNING: Uncensored video after the jump contains disturbing images unless you’re the sort of person who finds gaping head wounds divine.Thanks to The Builder for the tip. I hope those permits come through.
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June 22nd, 2008
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