Archive for July 20th, 2008
Apparently, there’s much speculation over the state of Jennifer Garner’s uterus. I, on the other hand, forgot she even existed. However, I can now report a Ben Affleck sperm has indeed collided with her egg. Jennifer’s Alias co-star Victor Garber confirmed the news to Us Magazine proving his ability to keep a secret is pretty fucking weak:
“Yes, she is,” Garber - who officiated the couple’s 2005 wedding - told Us when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting.
A source adds, “She is five months pregnant. They are very happy.”
Now Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will have something to do while they’re not acting. Christ, when’s the last time one of them was in a movie? Hold on, I just remembered Daredevil. Searing pain…. Want to die…. And, phew! Made it. Yeah, in hindsight, this is AWESOME news. They should shoot for a third one right away. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Adopt! Just scoop some kids up from a day care and go all Brad and Angelina. I hear it’s a blast. Ha ha! Please don’t act again.
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July 20th, 2008
Michael Lohan has a while to go before he finds out if he really did father a love child. The paternity test has been delayed and awaits a court order to proceed. Michael has admitted to having an affair with Kristi Kaufman who is the mother of the supposed missing Lohan, Ashley Kaufman. Michael had written the girl letters while in prison and basically said, “Shit. She’s mine.” However, he seems to be changing his tune, according to E! News:
He adds that their relationship was brief and that Kaufman moved in with a new boyfriend shortly thereafter. It’s that man, Michael alleges, who is the likely father.
“The timing is just off,” Lohan said. “If she’s mine, I’ll take responsibility. But I wasn’t with her nine months before Ashley was born.”
Lohan said he’s disappointed the test results will take longer than he initially thought.
“But I’ll do whatever it takes to find out,” he says. “Everyone will know the truth soon.”
Michael’s probably sweating things now because he’s staring down the barrel of an assload of child support and can’t get his hands on that Lindsay money. That said, typically, most guys start praying to the God of Doin’ It* they didn’t get a woman pregnant right after intercourse, but 13 years later is better than never, I suppose. Though one time I said “I hope I didn’t get you pregnant” to a chick before we even had sex - and then we didn’t, so Mission: Accomplished. I win!*Lorenzo Lamas.
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July 20th, 2008
Lawyers for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a settlement in their custody battle. Britney agreed to allowing Kevin full custody of the boys while keeping her visitation intact. More visitation will be granted towards the end of the year, according to TMZ:
The settlement is a huge development because next month’s trial is now kaput. We’re told Brit, grandpa Jamie and K-Fed all wanted to avoid the expense, emotional wear and tear and media frenzy connected with a full-blown trial.
So, hurray! No more batshit court cases, right? Guess again. That’s like saying I’m not made of sexy neutrons. People reports:
“Until the kids turn 18, we can expect in years to come that Britney and Kevin will be back in court,” says L.A. family lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case. “Britney will have a better chance of winning more custody once she regains her health. This is just the end of Round One.”
Round One? Round ONE!? Jesus, this feels like Round One Million. I could lead a long, productive life never hearing about another Britney Spears court case again. Okay, that’s not true. I’ll lead a short, drunk existence that will ultimately end with someone yelling “Hey, you’re not the pilot!” But you guys get the point.
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July 20th, 2008
