Archive for July, 2008
I’d traveled to all four corners of the Earth, and at last, I found her again. This would be our final battle. The killing blow to be delivered by the bazooka I won off an Army colonel in a game of Russian roulette. But, suddenly, there’s a commotion. It’s coming from- from- my pants? What manner of trickery is this? Arousal? How can this be? No no no NO!”Y’ALLLLLLLLLLLLL”She’s spotted me. With my khaki tent fully pitched, I must flee – or must I? I find myself drawn to the creature. I step out of the brush and approach it. Instead of paralyzing fear, I feel strange emotions. Is this how it was meant to be? Two brutal enemies become star-crossed lovers. Yes, I can feel my heart warming as the anticipation of embrace grips me. It’s at that moment I realize my folly. I had tucked a Snickers bar in my safari hat earlier that day. Well played, Beast. Well pla-”CRUNCH!”
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July 28th, 2008
Rebecca Romjin and Jerry O’Connell are having twins. Yay! Now they won’t be entirely alone in obscurity. People reports:
The babies are due this winter.
And just a little more than a week ago, O’Connell, 34, told PEOPLE, “We’re trying to get pregnant.”
“It would be amazing if it happened,” he said, adding that practicing has been “a lot of fun.”
“Practice.” he added. “Practice all the time. It never stops with her! Christ, now I know how John Stamos died. And I’m next!” Jerry O’Connell was latter found crying in a dumpster, softly singing “You’ll never guess my secret identity, who’s on the inside – hides from his wife in a dumpster, whoa oh whoa!“**Have a case of the WTFs? Video after the jump.
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July 28th, 2008
Michelle Williams is dating director Spike Jonze. Spike is the director of the upcoming film Where the Wild Things Are and is currently getting his nuts kicked in for having the audacity to make a kid’s movie devoid of fart jokes. But at least he gets to have sex with someone who will constantly compare him to Heath Ledger. Wow, I really suck at cheering people up. Star reports:
“Michelle kissed Spike with a closed mouth on the corner of his lips,” says an eyewitness who saw the couple together the morning of July 2 leaving Spike’s Manhattan apartment. “There was definitely a little bit of caressing going on. She was clutching his arm. The body language was very romantic.”
Okay, I’m willing to believe Michelle Williams is dating Spike Jonze. They’re both weird; it works. But here’s where Star lost me: “Michelle kissed Spike with a closed mouth on the corner of his lips.” Who the hell talks like that? May I suggest a more believable dialog: “Tipping his top hat towards the lady, he offered his hand, and together they hailed a horseless carriage. Perhaps a promenade at the tavern would find this evening well. Afterward, sir and madam retired to their quarters for carnal pleasures punctuated with scones and haberdashery.” It’s almost like you’re there!
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July 28th, 2008
Heidi and Spencer love to take everyday events and turn them into photo shoots so fucking retarded, you’ll swear you’ve been huffing paint all morning. Here some hapless realtor is forced to take part in their shenanigans. But, then again, this man has no soul because he later lied to TMZ about Mr. and Mrs. Cockweasel’s real estate potential:
So we thought it was a big publicity stunt, until we called the realtor who showed the property. Sandro Dazzan says they’re “serious buyers,” although he doesn’t think they’ll pull the trigger right away. Dazzan stunned us when he said they can afford the $12 million beach house right now, but that they’re “at least six months” out from being able to afford the bigger house.
Serious buyers who won’t pull the trigger. Interesting, Sandro. So, basically, Heidi showed you her boobs, and you agreed to pretend they’ve got money? Unless a commission shot out of her nipples, congratulations, you’re an idiot. The only way these two can buy a house is if you let them pay in forced smiles and chin wax.
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July 27th, 2008
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s French chateau was invaded by camo-wearing paparazzi. The two men Rambo’d there way onto the grounds – only to get their shit wrecked by Pitt-Jolie security guards. BOFF! POW! CAMERA IN THE ASS! The AP reports:
Police spokeswoman Capt. Olivia Poupot said Friday the two photographers were wearing camouflage clothes. She said police officers took them and the two guards in for questioning after Thursday’s bust-up at the Jolie-Pitt family’s Miraval estate.
Poupot said she didn’t know how long the paparazzi had been on the chateau grounds or further details about the “altercation with the guards.”
“One can imagine that if you discover someone in your garden who is taking your photo then you’re not necessarily going to politely show them the way out,” she said.
Seriously, no offense to Brad and Angelina, but what is so goddamn special about getting photos of their babies? Just take a picture of some newborns at the hospital AND NOBODY WOULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. Is there something someone’s not telling me? Do these kids have tails? No, wait, unicorn horns! I bet that’s it; holy shit, yes! Where’s my camo paint?UPDATE: Mission aborted. Lost a leg in the piranha pit after Maddox punched me in. Though it was pretty funny when he said “You cheat, Dr. Jones!” Best $5 I ever spent – until all the leg eating.
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July 27th, 2008
Here’s British singer Heidi Range of Sugababes (I have no clue.) at Miami Beach with her sister Hayley. Apparently Heidi feels she needs constant security while wearing a bikini. That’s pretty narcissistic of somebody I had to look up on Wikipedia and is rocking the Kim Kardashian sarong maneuver. I mean, really, nobody needs a bodyguard while they’re at the beach. Except me and because of the jellyfish.
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July 27th, 2008
Desperate Housewives star, Eva Longoria has revealed that it was her husband Tono Romo who cut her hair.
Eva says, ”Tony cut my hair. Well, my hairdresser Ken Paves fixed it. Tony has been wanting me to cut my hair. Ken came over and set it up for Tony and said, ‘You do the first cut. I don’t want her to be mad at me if she hates it.’ So Tony cut about half of it and then Ken fixed it.”
So the question is- Does Eva likes the cut? ‘Coz we don’t!!
desperate housewives EVA LONGORIA eva longoria new haircut gabrielle tony romo
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July 26th, 2008
Heather Mills, the gold-digging ex-wife of Paul McCartney, is a bitch to work for. After four years, her publicist Michelle Elyzabeth quit working for the, uh, whatever the hell Heather does, and had the following to say to Extra:
“After working for Heather Mills for the past four years, I have decided to cease representing her. Since her divorce has become final, in my opinion, Heather has become an impossible person. Yesterday, we engaged in a heated argument during which she called me “stupid.” I reminded her that she was not “God” and she answered, “I will never ever talk to you again.
I have been very patient in my dealings with Heather, however, I cannot take any more. I have given her substantial unpaid time and attention. I am owed money. I refuse to be subjected to her outbursts. On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British press has reported about her.”
Oh, sweet, Heather Mills doesn’t have a publicist anymore so I can say whatever I want about her and nobody will refute my claims. I don’t want to get too carried away though. Better start off small; okay, got it: Heather Mills’ leg planned 9/11. He shoots; he scores!
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July 26th, 2008
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