Archive for August, 2008
Jessica Simpson gave another shitass performance in her continuing effort to crossover to country which must be frustrating. I mean, she’s proven she’s illiterate and joined the Klan. What more do these people want?! Anyway, here’s the highlights of her Wednesday night concert at the Avalon Ballroom where Jessica gave long-winded intros to every song forcing The Niagara Falls Review to comment “It might be unfair calling Jessica Simpson’s show at the Avalon Ballroom Wednesday a train wreck. At some point, a train knows where it’s going.”:On how her man must be ready for anything that comes out of her uterus:Before the new song “Man Enough,” she said her man must be ready for anything - including the possibility she’s pregnant with an alien.On Nick Lachey:Ex-hubby Nick Lachey gets grilled in the bitter “When I Loved You Like That,” where our girl basically says she carried his cheatin’ ass all those years.On the smell of her farts; I’m not kidding:“I do pass gas a lot,” she said. “I guarantee it smells like roses.” A public admission that your ass doesn’t stink despite chronic flatulence. Now that’s classy. I bet you an old man in a top hat put a monocle up to his eye and said “Jolly good show!” That’s how classy it was. Bravo!
View Original Post Here
August 31st, 2008
At an after-party for Madonna’s recently launched Sticky & Sweet Tour, her brother Christopher Ciccone felt the mood was right for sharing a lactating Demi Moore anecdote with The Sun. But, then again, when isn’t the mood right for a Demi Moore story about breast milk? (Answer: Christmas dinner. I’ve been shunned.):
He said: “We went out and Demi was dancing up on me and humping me from behind. She was lactating at the time and she was squirting breast milk at my lesbian friends.
“My friend Michelle called me the next morning and asked me: ‘How do I get breast milk out of my black dress?’
“I replied: ‘How the f*** would I know? Call Demi!’”
Try club soda. Now, keep in mind the source of this story is Madonna’s brother and The Sun. So the only place this really happened is my mind - and right now: “Look out, Demi, she wants you to sign a petition for gay adoption! PEW PEW PEW!”
View Original Post Here
August 31st, 2008
In a glaring example the Apocalypse is at hand, The Hills is a hot commodity these days. Major fashion designers send thousands of dollars worth of clothing to Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge. However, Heidi Montag is left out of this circle of love because, obviously, she has the public persona of a retarded hooker. Fox News reports:
One of Los Angeles’ leading fashion reps (who is often responsible for dressing the likes of Miley Cyrus, Angelina Jolie, Fergie and Carmen Electra) told Pop Tarts that Heidi’s public persona is a little too cheap even for casual (but classy) brands.
“They don’t want their stuff on Heidi, even despite the fact that she is very media-friendly and is photographed a lot,” the rep said. “It’s just not the caliber of celebrity most clients go for.”
Other celebrities of a higher caliber than Heidi Montag:1. The guy on the Pringles can.2. Ross Perot.3. Remember the dude who’s getting a Dell?4. Jon Stamos. (Marginally.)5. The Phillie Phanatic.6. Me. (I want free shit! Size: SEXY.)
View Original Post Here
August 31st, 2008
Kim Kardashian is training hard for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars and is prepared to reveal more and more of her infamous butt as the show progresses. There’s nothing using a woman’s astronomically large ass that once starred in a porno as a source of family entertainment. God bless you, ABC! People reports:
“I’m hoping that it’ll firm it up and shape it up,” she said during a launch party for the Pink Blackberry Curve at L.A. boutique Intermix. “Everyone is asking if I’m worried it’s going to go away. No, it’s going to tone it up. I can use that.”
So, will she flaunt what she’s got in sexy and slinky ballroom costumes? Kardashian said she expects to show off more than a little skin as the competition moves forward.
Despite the prospect of some Kim ass I still won’t watch. Mainly because I did the math and it’ll take at least 100 episodes before we see some crack. You can’t fight the numbers, folks.NOTE: Your eyes are not deceiving you: these are shots of Kim leaving a hair removal center - and, damn, not a moment too soon. Here’s what she looked like prior to treatment. Mamma mia!
View Original Post Here
August 30th, 2008
It’s a Friday before a holiday weekend, so what the hell? Let’s talk about John McCain (Hey, he’s a celebrity too!) and his sans penis vice presidential pick today: Alaskan governor Sarah Palin. Here’s the word from Reuters:
Palin, 44, a self-described “hockey mom,” is a conservative first-term governor of Alaska with strong anti-abortion views, a record of reform and fiscal conservatism and an outsider’s perspective on Washington.
“She’s exactly who I need. She’s exactly who this country needs to help me fight the same old Washington politics of me first and country second,” McCain told a roaring crowd of 15,000 supporters in Dayton, Ohio.
So what do you think: Awesome? Bad? We’re straight fucked? She looks like Tina Fey? Cheap political ploy? Where’s Alaska? I’d hit it? I’ll let you guys handle the deep intellectual discourse. And people say this site isn’t informative. In your face, entire mainstream media!
Photo: Associated Press
View Original Post Here
August 30th, 2008
As I’ve often said for many years, “It doesn’t get more American than ogling a British lingerie model (Katie Downes) walking the streets of ole’ London town.” Cohesion: It’s what for dinner I started drinking at noon. SHAZAM!Happy Labor Day Weekend, everybody! See you jokers on Tuesday.
View Original Post Here
August 29th, 2008
After getting his nuts kicked in on Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson’s blog, Michael Lohan has magically acquired a one-hour TV special where he’ll ‘expose’ ex-wife Dina Lohan who he claims is the one that told him Samantha Ronson is writing a tell-all book. Of course, Michael can’t say what network his “special” is on, or when it will air, but believe him, it’s the real deal. TVGuide.com has the exclusive:
“I have it all on tape — all recorded, time and date-stamped,” he said. “You will hear it all. I have 101 text messages between Lindsay and I, and I have about 60 tape recordings of Dina.”
Because of contractual agreements, Lohan cannot specify the name of the special or on what network it will air, but insisted it is “definitely” happening.
“It might be broken up into parts, but it’s going to be done,” he said. “These lies have to stop. She can’t say all these things to me and when I try to address it, deny everything. Dina’s a hypocrite and I’m tired of it.”"I’ve never taken or earned one penny from my daughter. Meanwhile, all the people around her, including her mother, are earning money off of her,” he said. “They want publicity. They’re there for self-serving reasons. I didn’t have my own reality TV show.”
‘I didn’t have my own reality TV show.’ And look what whining got you. I guarantee this special, if it exists, will run at one a.m. against an episode of Family Guy where Peter makes a non-sequitur reference to the 80s, so you know what I’ll be watching that night: Porn.
View Original Post Here
August 29th, 2008
Michael Jackson, donned in pajama pants and a tuxedo jacket (Still got it!), made an unusual public appearance yesterday at Planet Hollywood in preparation for his 50th birthday celebration. That’s right, this is what a 50-year-old black man is supposed to look like. So, I dunno what Samuel L. Jackson is doing to himself, but it can’t be healthy.Thanks to Abbi who tricked me into thinking this was Katie Holmes. Ha! I know where you live…EDIT: Added a computer-generated pic of what Michael Jackson would look like at 50 if he had never met Elizabeth Taylor and decided “Holy poop, I just found the perfect look.” Thanks to James.
View Original Post Here
August 29th, 2008
Previous Posts
