Archive for August 12th, 2008
Samantha Ronson is talks about her “relationship” with Lindsay Lohan in the pages of the new Harper’s Bazaar. Because you know who loves lesbians? Housewives. That’s science:
When asked about Lohan, Samantha is polite but firm. “I’m not going to talk about Lindsay because she’s my friend, you know? She’s great. She’s also 22 years old. I think people forget that. With the Internet the way it is, one second we’re enemies, one second we’re best friends, one second we’re lovers, and then we’re broken up.”
By press time, reports had trickled out on the Web that Samantha had changed her personal status on Facebook to “in a relationship,” while photos of her and Lohan holding hands had circulated. She is accustomed to the speculation. “Even the airport-security guy in Canada asked me, ‘So, is it true?’” laughs Samantha. “It’s like, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m telling you.’”
So, reading between the lines, I’ve finally concluded this whole lesbian engagement thing is an orchestrated effort to revive Lindsay’s career. But who is she really having sex with, and where are they hiding the bodies? (You can’t talk if you’re dead.) I mean, sure, Lindsay could be sleeping with just one guy who’s on the payroll, but that would constitute monogamy which is a fancy word for “crazy talk.”
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August 12th, 2008
Meet UK receptionist/gymnast Alison Carroll. She’s just been announced as the new face of Lara Croft since Angelina Jolie has decided to become the vaginal portal for an entire civilization. The Telegraph reports:
But Carroll has not landed a movie role - instead she will promote the new Tomb Raider video game, Underworld, which is released in November. Nell McAndrew found fame as the first Lara Croft model in the 1990s. Carroll will star in TV adverts and travel the world to meet Lara Croft fans.
Winning the role of Lara means Carroll can quit her job as a receptionist.
“This is a fantastic opportuntiy and I am really looking forward to embracing Lara’s world,” she said. “I still can’t believe they chose me to take on the role of Lara - and I can’t wait to get stuck in. This is my dream job. I have always wanted to be an action hero and hope to be able to use my gymnastic ability to perform all of Lara’s stunts.”
That’s a whole lot of fancy words for “Hey, look at my boobs.”This post is dedicated to my esteemed colleague The Geekologie Writer. It’s his birthday today, so everybody wish him a good one. As for me, I’ll be reminiscing about all that sex I had with his mom nine months before he was born. Happy Birthday, old chum!
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August 12th, 2008
Hollyscoop is reporting that Hayden Panettiere’s mom Lesley got drunk as hell last night at the benefit for the Whaleman Foundation and was flirting with other men. She allegedly decided to smack her husband Alan around who was also tanked and either trying to stop her from causing a scene or simply orchestrating a Taco Bell run:
“Hayden’s mom drank way too much and was being rude to everyone. Her Dad was trying to put her in her place. Lesley striked him several times before he hit her,” said our spy.
Our source confirmed that Hayden’s parents started arguing while at the Whaleman Benefit dinner at Beso last night because Lesley was allegedly flirting with another man, and the argument escalated when they went home.
Jesus. Nothing like causing a giant drunken ruckus on your daughter’s special night. I mean, Britney Spears managed to attend a charity function without making a complete ass out of herself - and she doesn’t even know how to read! But don’t despair; The road to healing starts by realizing you’re worse than a career genital flasher. You can learn all this and more in my new book “Seriously, What the Fuck?: An Inspirational Journey of the Soul.”
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August 12th, 2008
