Archive for August 31st, 2008
Jessica Simpson gave another shitass performance in her continuing effort to crossover to country which must be frustrating. I mean, she’s proven she’s illiterate and joined the Klan. What more do these people want?! Anyway, here’s the highlights of her Wednesday night concert at the Avalon Ballroom where Jessica gave long-winded intros to every song forcing The Niagara Falls Review to comment “It might be unfair calling Jessica Simpson’s show at the Avalon Ballroom Wednesday a train wreck. At some point, a train knows where it’s going.”:On how her man must be ready for anything that comes out of her uterus:Before the new song “Man Enough,” she said her man must be ready for anything - including the possibility she’s pregnant with an alien.On Nick Lachey:Ex-hubby Nick Lachey gets grilled in the bitter “When I Loved You Like That,” where our girl basically says she carried his cheatin’ ass all those years.On the smell of her farts; I’m not kidding:“I do pass gas a lot,” she said. “I guarantee it smells like roses.” A public admission that your ass doesn’t stink despite chronic flatulence. Now that’s classy. I bet you an old man in a top hat put a monocle up to his eye and said “Jolly good show!” That’s how classy it was. Bravo!
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August 31st, 2008
At an after-party for Madonna’s recently launched Sticky & Sweet Tour, her brother Christopher Ciccone felt the mood was right for sharing a lactating Demi Moore anecdote with The Sun. But, then again, when isn’t the mood right for a Demi Moore story about breast milk? (Answer: Christmas dinner. I’ve been shunned.):
He said: “We went out and Demi was dancing up on me and humping me from behind. She was lactating at the time and she was squirting breast milk at my lesbian friends.
“My friend Michelle called me the next morning and asked me: ‘How do I get breast milk out of my black dress?’
“I replied: ‘How the f*** would I know? Call Demi!’”
Try club soda. Now, keep in mind the source of this story is Madonna’s brother and The Sun. So the only place this really happened is my mind - and right now: “Look out, Demi, she wants you to sign a petition for gay adoption! PEW PEW PEW!”
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August 31st, 2008
In a glaring example the Apocalypse is at hand, The Hills is a hot commodity these days. Major fashion designers send thousands of dollars worth of clothing to Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge. However, Heidi Montag is left out of this circle of love because, obviously, she has the public persona of a retarded hooker. Fox News reports:
One of Los Angeles’ leading fashion reps (who is often responsible for dressing the likes of Miley Cyrus, Angelina Jolie, Fergie and Carmen Electra) told Pop Tarts that Heidi’s public persona is a little too cheap even for casual (but classy) brands.
“They don’t want their stuff on Heidi, even despite the fact that she is very media-friendly and is photographed a lot,” the rep said. “It’s just not the caliber of celebrity most clients go for.”
Other celebrities of a higher caliber than Heidi Montag:1. The guy on the Pringles can.2. Ross Perot.3. Remember the dude who’s getting a Dell?4. Jon Stamos. (Marginally.)5. The Phillie Phanatic.6. Me. (I want free shit! Size: SEXY.)
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August 31st, 2008
