Archive for August, 2008
Katie Holmes is currently rehearsing for the Broadway revival of All My Sons. But it turns out she’s not much of a box-office draw. Why? Old people have no idea who the hell she is, according to Star:
Although some people blame the economy, other Broadway shows — like Mamma Mia — are selling out.
“It did not sell like they had hoped for,” a Broadway insider tells Star. “To the theatergoing crowd, generally an older audience, Katie’s not a ‘name’ like Julia Roberts, whose run in Three Days of Rain sold out immediately. Katie hasn’t done anything Broadway patrons recognize her for — except maybe marrying Tom Cruise.”
Since I know old people freaking love the Internet and read this site daily between downloading episodes of Murder, She Wrote, I’m going to help Katie out: The Superficial’s Guide for Seniors on Who the Dickety is Katherine HolmesKatherine “Katie” Holmes is an American actress who sacrificed her promising career to marry once-legendary actor turned alien worshiper Tom Cruise in an effort to disguise his homosexuality. Sort of like Liberace but way, way more obvious.Oh, and one time she totally showed some boob in The Gift. It was awesome.The End.
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August 26th, 2008
I feel like I just got hit by a dump truck full of retard sauce. These are shots of Heidi Montag filming the video for her latest single “Overdosin’.” After looking at 1985 puke all over Heidi Montag, I can only hope this abortion will drown her tiny iota of a career along with everyone else on The Hills. Because, seriously, no one is looking at these photos and saying “Oh, yes, we need more of this to happen. I’m not completely bleeding from the eyes yet.”
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August 25th, 2008
Tori Spelling’s husband Dean McDermott is pissed she dropped out of the 90210 remake after she learned she’d be making 10 grand an episode less than Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty. Dean was hoping to score himself a gig despite the fact a trained chimp could tell you this show won’t make it past October. Back me up, Coco. Or shove a banana in the printer; that works too. Star reports:
Tori told Dean that she wasn’t going to accept less money than her costars, Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth, “especially when it was her father who created the original show,” says a source close to Dean. “He told her that they should have worked something out before she made an abrupt decision because now he can’t even be on the show!”
If your only chance of finding acting work is mooching off your wife’s participation in a shitty remake of a shitty 90′s show, it’s time to look for a new career. Now, I don’t want to get your hopes up, Dean, but I hear after a week at Starbucks they let you use the Frappucino maker. We truly do live in the land of opportunity.
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August 25th, 2008
When she’s not single-handedly destroying the image of a Dallas-based brewery, Jessica Simpson likes to take time out from her busy schedule to snoop through Tony Romo’s cell phone which is how she knew his ex Carrie Underwood was lying when she recently said Tony still calls her. You bagged yourself a keeper, Tony. NY Daily News reports:
“Tony and I both laughed at that,” Simpson told Nashville radio station 107.5 The River. “We got a chuckle out of it.”
Underwood’s comments are “definitely” not true, Simpson said. So … how does she know this?
“I looked at his call log.”
I wanted to say something about Jessica Simpson’s flagrant display of cattiness, but frankly, I’m impressed she not only knows how to operate a cell phone but didn’t swallow it in the process. It’s like, you want to be mad, but at the same time “Wow!”
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August 25th, 2008
After the infamous Slightly Exposed Back-gate, formerly-exiled Miley Cyrus has been welcomed back into the Disney fold. They missed their little cash cow who lays golden Faberge eggs in a diamond bucket. So much so that they’re allowing Miley to hold her 16th birthday party in public at Disneyland, according to Entertainment Tonight:
The “Hannah Montana” star is also sharing the spotlight during the private party with some deserving young people from Youth Service America who’ve been making a difference in their communities.
And ET has learned that Miley’s fans are going to be able to join in the fun too! A limited number of $250 tickets to the exclusive event, “Miley’s Sweet 16 — Share the Celebration,” go on sale on August 30 at 9am PDT.
So, essentially, Miley Cyrus has to work on her Sweet 16. Adorable. Goddammit, Disney, this is exactly the kind of thing that ends in me seeing crazy Southern vagina. I still sleep with the lights on from the last ti- AH! What was that? Phew, it’s just a McMuffin. I’m safe. I’m in a happy place. Breathe deep; happy place…
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August 24th, 2008
Justin Timberlake will be reuniting with Britney Spears for – Jesus! Someone took their happy pills this morning – for a duet on her new album, Page Six reports:
Spies said Spears will team up with her ex-love for a song on her next album due at the end of the year. The two were supposed to team up for her last album, but Spears – under the influence of friends including Osama Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib – missed her recording session with Timbaland at the legendary producer’s Virginia Beach studio last August.
I seriously don’t get why Justin Timberlake would agree to work with Britney Spears. I mean, it’s not like his career is hurting and, say what you will, the dude’s a talented performer. While, on the other hand, you have Britney who once tried to eat a grand piano before someone told her it wasn’t a giant steak.
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August 24th, 2008
Khloe Kardashian will compete on the upcoming season of Celebrity Apprentice. Can she prove herself useful? Or will someone have to explain to her that “Lady, O.J. Simpson’s money isn’t the answer to every problem. Just most of them.”? The New York Post reports;
NBC won’t confirm anything, but Kardashian, 23, is a go for the new season, sources say.
Joan and Melissa Rivers are also expected to compete on next season’s “Celebrity Apprentice.”
Flamboyant ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman, Tony Danza and Petra Nemcova have been floated as possible contestants.
For those of still scratching your head over Khloe’s inclusion, I should point out Donald Trump has always had a lifelong dream to see a Yeti try and make copies. True story.
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August 24th, 2008
Melanie C (a.k.a. Sporty Spice) is expecting her first child, according to the Daily Mail:
The 34-year-old singer announced the news on her website today.
Mel C said: ‘Some happy news. Well, I can now announce that Tom and I are expecting a baby and we are very happy. As I’m sure you’ll understand we needed time to wait for results and tell our families. I will be taking it easy but am also excited to start writing for the fifth album. I will need to take some time off to be a mum but, before you know it, we’ll be back.’
What’s sad is this is the biggest celebrity news of the morning. I mean, finding out Sporty Spice is pregnant is right up there with finding out the cowboy from the Village People is having a baby – and it’s not even the construction worker’s! LAME.
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August 23rd, 2008
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