Archive for September, 2008
Audrina Patridge hosted an event for Bombay Sapphire in Vegas over the weekend proving she’s the only pure and decent thing to come out of The Hills. Audrina grasps the concept that nobody wants to hear her talk. Ever. Not even if the sound of her voice is the antidote for cancer. Just smile, wear a bikini then wait for your fleeting relevancy to be replaced by the next 21-year-old with implants whose banging an MTV producer. Audrina Patridge, we salute you! Keep on truckin’!Thanks to Marcine for knowing the key to my heart: Gin.
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September 30th, 2008
Jennifer Aniston continues her vacation in Los Cabos, Mexico, and she should probably start posing for the paparazzi because, damn, are they getting some unflattering shots. It’s almost as if the majority of Jennifer’s body is defying age except her stomach. Which obviously gave up and said “Hey, I wanna look like your grandpa.”NOTE: Jennifer Aniston completely making my words a moot point here, and I’m pretty sure that’s the entrance to Narnia.
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September 30th, 2008
If you thought the recent Wall Street crash was bad (How ’bout that Dow today?), talk to Hugh Hefner: It’s costing him pussy. The recent credit crunch has forced the Playboy founder to reduce staff which fully, 100%, without a shadow of a doubt because they’re prostitutes explains why Kendra Wilkinson (above), Holly Madison and Bridgett Marquardt are jumping ship. The Daily Telegraph reports:
The 83-year-old has been told to lay off some of his staff at his Los Angeles and New York offices as soon as this month or go bankrupt.
The company has recently seen shares fall from £6.20 to £1.55. An insider at the company told the Daily Star that bosses had been aware of the worsening situation for “a while”.
“Only the top brass has known for a while how bad things have been for Hef recently.”
Spokeswoman Elizabeth Austin would not confirm the sackings, saying: “It is our policy not to comment on corporate matters such as employee issues.”
If Hugh Hefner, of all people, dies old and alone without giant fake breasts in his face, then my God, what hope is there for the rest of us? Damn you, stock market. DAMN YOU TO HELL!Thanks to Josh who still dreams of having a stripper dance on his open casket.
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September 30th, 2008
Britney Spears’ former paparazzi lover Adnan Ghalib has apparently brushed off getting stabbed and is back to marketing the sex tape he made with Britney in Mexico. The Sun reports:
“There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further.”
An unconfirmed source claims the two-hour X-rated footage features Britney naked wearing just a pink wig and was allegedly shot while on holiday in Mexico.
Adnan added: “I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney. “
Adnan’s not interested in “selling out any other details about Britney?” That’s pretty chivalrous for a guy hawking a sex tape of a bipolar nutjob he banged in Mexico while she was off her meds. No, really, for a minute there I thought I was reading Shakespeare.
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September 29th, 2008
These are shots of Jennifer Aniston in Cabo over the weekend and… and… what in the-? Is anyone else seeing her vagina from an almost impossible angle? Seriously, is it lopsided, or do I need to start boiling some water? Ladies, you’re the experts here. No, wait, I mean, I’m the expert. Ha ha, I’ve seen hundreds of these. Let’s see, yup, there’s your problem: No unicorn jumping out of it. Probably want to get that looked at.NOTE: Pic links to potentially NSFW version unless there’s such as a thing as “crotchular cellulite.” In which case, my bad, everybody.
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September 29th, 2008
Legendary actor, philanthropist and race car enthusiast Paul Newman succumbed to cancer at the age of 83 on Saturday, according to the Associated Press:
The 10-time Academy Award nominee died Friday at age 83, surrounded by family and close friends at his Westport farmhouse following a long battle with cancer, publicist Jeff Sanderson said Saturday.
Newman worked with some of the greatest directors of the past half century, from Alfred Hitchcock and John Huston to Robert Altman, Martin Scorsese and the Coen brothers. His co-stars included Elizabeth Taylor, Lauren Bacall, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks and, most famously, Robert Redford, his sidekick in “Butch Cassidy” and “The Sting.”
“There is a point where feelings go beyond words,” Redford said Saturday. “I have lost a real friend. My life — and this country — is better for his being in it.”
Rare Soapbox Moment: I almost feel wrong writing about Paul Newman on this blog. The guy wasn’t a celebrity; he was a fucking ICON. Working his way up from a small Ohio town, Paul was renown for his acting chops as well as his disdain for Hollywood “rubbish.” After he grew weary of the movie business, Paul spent the latter part of his life giving literally millions of dollars to sick kids which puts him light years beyond the spoiled assclowns I cover on a daily basis. You know, the ones who pop out of their mothers’ hedge-fund vaginas and expect the world to be served to them on a silver platter - along with a reality show. Paul Newman forged his own path with PERSEVERANCE and TALENT then selflessly gave back ten-fold. They simply don’t make badasses like that anymore, and hats off to the handful of celebrities who’ve been inspired by his generosity. The rest of you, I hope a zebra shits on your foot.Paul Newman, my coffee mug is raised to you, sir. Rest in Peace.
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September 29th, 2008
Hayden Panettiere’s father is facing misdemeanor battery chargers after getting in a drunken fight with his wife in August. The incident was described as a “misunderstanding.” Just like the second season of Heroes. ZING! The Associated Press reports:
Alan Panettiere faces up to a year in a Los Angeles County jail if convicted. He was arrested on Aug. 11 on suspicion of striking his wife, Lesley.
At the time, a sheriff’s spokesman said Panettiere was accused of hitting his wife three times with an open hand.
Oh, wow, so you can get arrested for battling your wife even if you’re both shit-faced and don’t want to press charges? Damn. I guess I better take back these baseball bats and bottles of whiskey I got my folks for Christmas. Red Lobster gift cards it is - and okay, throwing knives. I spoil those two; I know.
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September 28th, 2008
Chris Kattan’s ex-wife Sunshine Tutt is walking away with a bundle of cash after just two months of marriage, according to TMZ:
Sources tell TMZ there was prenup that would’ve given Tutt less that 10 grand — but a renegotiation just upped the ante to a low six-figure sum.
Tutt’s lawyer, Ronald Richards, told us: “My client is very relieved that she can leave this two month marriage with some resources that will allow her to rebuild her life.”
From $10,000 to six-figures? Somebody found the body of Cheri Oteri tied up under the bed. That’s always a deal-breaker.
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September 28th, 2008
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