Gossip Weblog

Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt,I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial.After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades.However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:1. Heidi wears a bikini.2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant.Sincerely,The Superficial Writer.P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT.EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.

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