Archive for December, 2008
Like any rational man if placed in the same predicament, Lance Armstrong figured “Hey, one nut, no condom.” I don’t even know where to start with how much sense that makes. Except it turns out God hates Lance Armstrong because he was left with the virile one causing him to knock up girlfriend Anna Hansen. Whoops. People reports:
“Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful,” he says in a statement. “We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts.”
He adds: “We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family.”
Fortunatetely for Lance, “My girlfriend fell down the stairs while riding a bike” is probably the most believable scenario anyone can tell the cops. In fact, I’m sitting here right now thinking, “Damn, shoulda wore a helmet” and also “I wonder if my parents still have my BMX – and stairs.” Food for thought.EDIT: Wow, you must think I’m a dick. Totally forgot to say “Congratulations!”
Photos: WENN
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December 26th, 2008
- Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt were barred from The Hills wrap party at Butter after the taping of the season finale. When the fake fakers who fake your fake lives don’t want you around, you should probably do something genuinely real – like get cancer in the face. Just a thought. [Page Six]- Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson are a couple of brawlers. Neighbors heard the two breaking glass and flipping the lesbian fuck out on each other right before Sam went into the hospital this weekend. I’m not pointing any fingers, but methinks the problem is someone refusing to eat at the Y. That said, who wants to be the one to tell Sam it’s really not on fire? [TMZ]- DJ AM is done remember he cheated death and wants in on the suing. He’s filed his own lawsuit that also claims the pilots’ negligence caused the infamous fiery crash that left him and Travis Barker severely burnt. At least the pilots will have a chance to defend themselves. Oh wait… [E! Online]- Heath Ledger’s death was your favorite. At least according to the list of top entertainment stories from the Associated Press. The actor’s tragic death beat out Britney Spear’s double meltdowns which were way down at #4. I’ve got a hunch 2009 will be Britney’s year once she realizes flamethrowers are the new braless. [AP]
Photos: WENN
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December 26th, 2008
Lindsay Lohan dropped a yuletide log on her MySpace today. Turns out her dad Michael Lohan fathered a child with a woman he was cheating on Dina Lohan with. No word if the girl is Ashley Kaufman from this summer’s epic “Lohan Love Child” saga, but Christ, I hope so. Otherwise, that means more there’s more of these people out there. *shudder* Anyway, here’s Lindsay bringing the bad news:
i think that people go through a lot in life. and the things that we go through, whatever they may be, simply just make us stronger in the long run… that is, if we actually take what it is we have learned from our mistakes and teach ourselves what NOT to do in the future. i have gone through a lot in my past, and to be completely honest, i am still going through a lot right now.. my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks… MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! wow- do i sound like “debbie downer” or what? not trying to be… but back to the real reason for this blog-i feel like Britney Spears is an amazing talent, and she has gone through a lot, (just as i have) in the public eye.. which is not necessarily a bad thing.. It teaches young girls and boys that there are certain things in life that you should not let get in the way of your dreams and accomplishments. also that you need to take care of yourself before anyone else, and i mean anyone and everyone else. because at the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and see who you really are. stripped of all the distractions in life. so YAY Britney for just being you and still following through with your dreams. i know i am a bit late in writing about this record since it came out already, but better late than never!!!! 
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know your dad’s wandering penis just rained all over your Christmas, but that’s no reason to compare yourself to Britney Spears. Try to see the glass as half-full. (Of gin, if necessary.) You only went to rehab. She had to hand over her kid to the fucking SWAT team. That’s like trying to compare apples and oranges. Or fake lesbians and human vacuum cleaners that only suck up Whoppers and crazy.
Photos: Splash News
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December 25th, 2008
Before I scoot off for the holidays, here’s Mariah Carey rocking clown boots and cleavage despite the freezing temperatures in Aspen. Somewhere there’s an inspirational message to be found here, I can almost feel it. – - Nope, just my monitor. False alarm!The Superficial shall return this weekend where my words will swaddle you like the newborn baby Jesus. In the meantime, hopefully you get some sweet gifts to tide you over. If not, at least you aren’t Nick Cannon: Human Terrier. No one deserves that.Happy Holidays, everybody!
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December 24th, 2008
After openly describing his sex life with Ashlee Simpson and not getting kicked out of the house, Pete Wentz has switched tactics and is now talking about her breast milk. And his drinking of said milk. You read that. NY Daily News reports:
Speaking on Sirius’ “The Monday Mash Up” show, Wentz described her milk as “weird” and “soury,” adding, “The baby [newborn Bronx Mowgli] loves it, it’s the only thing he’s had a chance to have.”
In a rather touching display of spousal sympathy, Wentz revealed he too piled on the pregnancy pounds while Ashlee was expecting.
“I gained 10 pounds at least,” he said. “I usually hang out around 135, 134, I go up to about 140, and when I hit 148, I get fat face.”
Jesus. Ashlee Simpson must be the most laid back chick in the world – or dead. I mean, has anyone seen her since she had the baby? Just sayin’. In the meantime, Pete is playing with fire. Women hate when you tell their secrets. One time I told some people my girlfriend didn’t wear make-up to the gas station; She stabbed me. Granted, I also slept with her sister, but there’s no way that was the reason. That’s just crazy talk.
Photos: WENN
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December 24th, 2008
Scarlett Johansson has mucus-y gold coming out her face. She recently auctioned off a used tissue that she blew her nose into on The Tonight Show and some sucker paid $5,300 for it. And by sucker I of course mean serial killer. BBC News reports:
Johansson blew her nose twice, leaving some lipstick and mucus behind, before putting it in a bag and signing it.
Proceeds from the sale are going to hunger charity USA Harvest, the charity of Scarlett Johansson’s choice.
The actress appeared on Tonight to promote her latest movie, The Spirit, in which she stars in alongside Samuel L Jackson.
Johansson told Leno she had caught a cold from him and thought her illness had more “value” as it had been passed from one celebrity to another.
Before all you wiseasses out there say “Heh, I’ve got something in a tissue you can sell.” You should probably know I spent the past five minutes cornering the market. On that note, I’m taking a nap under my desk. Hey, whose tissues are these?! Oh, right…
Photos: WENN
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December 24th, 2008
Anyone else think Former Miss Britain Danielle Lloyd has the face of a retarded Drew Barrymore? Redundant, I know, and also a trick question. Danielle Lloyd doesn’t even have a face. Ha! Can’t believe you fell for that.
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December 23rd, 2008
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